Written on December 3rd 2019
Being a loyal subscriber to Matt D'Avella's YouTube channel, I immediately clicked on his latest video, titled 'Watch This Video Before You Die'. The title seemed clickbait-y but it was a video from Matt (who you should absolutely subscribe to if you love lifestyle advice kinda stuff), so I had faith in it.
Please watch it if you want my message to come across better
The main concept was centred around one question: What do you want to do before you die?
Matt interviewed Ben Nemtin, who asked this question to himself and wrote a kind of bucket list of everything he wanted to accomplish before he died. Then, in 2006, Ben set out on the road in a purple RV with a group of friends, and ticked off everything they wanted to do before they died (including things like learning how to sail, and playing basketball with Obama - which they actually did!).
What I'm trying to get at is, after watching this video, I felt kind of ... blank? I sat there genuinely internalising the fact that, no matter how hard I thought about it, I don't know what I want to do before I die. I genuinely don't know. Thomas Gilovich, a professor of Psychology at Cornell University, spoke to people literally lying on their deathbeds, and found that those people did not regret the things they did in their lifetimes, but actually regretted the things they didn't do. They regretted living a life that someone else wanted for them, not one that they wanted for themselves. I'm pretty sure you have heard such cliché sayings before (I certainly have), however, genuinely taking a moment to just sit and reflect on what you are doing at present moment and what you plan to accomplish in the future is often passed-by. The important thing to note is why we want to do such things, why we plan on doing this or that, why we feel it is necessary to follow that script. Let's take me, for example: Ever since about Year 10 or 11, I've wanted to be a lawyer. I loved the idea of securing a job at a top-end law firm, working in an office with a cappuccino in my hand, meeting with clients and discussing super confidential law things and feeling like a proper adult who knows their stuff. Thus, I've worked towards building up a rapport with the law - venturing into several bouts of work experience, meeting with lawyers and getting their contact details, researching on different pathways into law - you name it. In my head, it's just: I want to be a lawyer, so I'm going to be one. But, along the way, I obtained the job of a tutor, teaching kids across a range of academic subjects and even specialising as a Geography tutor at one point. I found that I loved it, but that's all I left it as. I love tutoring, but I'm still going to be a lawyer. Then, I watched this video (legitimately like one hour ago) and my mind went blank. I could not answer the question of what I wanted to accomplish before I died. I'm kind of just floating on the ocean of life, rowing nonchalantly in the direction I think is right, following a script: get a degree, work at a top law firm, accumulate money, become financially independent, find the love of my life, get married, have kids, die. I'm shackled to this idea, but I don't want to be. A lot of us are shackled to this 'life script'. I want to break from the shackles and do what I want to do. (Gosh, this sounds so mf cheesy but I promise there's meaning to it!). It doesn't even have to be something as cliché as 'travel the world' or 'start my own business'. It can be small things like 'spend more time with my family' or 'tell the people close to me that I love them'. I started to think about this whole being-a-lawyer thing, and I compared it to teaching. In my educational life, I have come across a lot of teachers (obviously). You get the okay ones, but occasionally, you get those teachers that stick with you for a long time. You get those teachers that truly see their job as something more than teaching. They notice when you are falling behind, and instead of screwing at you, they ask you why that might be the case. They let themselves get a bit more personal with you, breaking this detached, objective persona they have as a 'teacher', and seeing you as a human being rather than just a student. Teachers like that leave a mark on people, and I feel like I just want to be that person for someone. I want to teach a child how they can view their own value, I want to ultimately leave a mark on their life for the better. And, of course, I generally love academia and teaching itself (which is something I learnt through getting myself out there - I wrote a blog post about that too, click here to read). I'm naturally quite empathetic and I feel like I would get so much value from teaching. So, what's stopping me? Why don't I literally just go for the teacher route? I don't know. Something is stopping me, I'm not sure what. I feel like it's trivial things like what my parents would think (going from lawyer, to teacher?) or even the salary I would get. I mean, I'm a strong believer that money cannot buy happiness, but in an economically depleting world like today's, something like salary is definitely worth considering. So now, I am left with this debate: do I carry on working towards trying to become a lawyer, getting a job at a competitive law firm, stack money, go through the mundane 9-5 of staring at a computer? or, do I teach a subject I love at a school, meet a range of kids, earn an average salary, but feel like I'm actually making some change in the world, at least? The answer seems obvious: Well, if you feel like the teaching would make you feel more complete than being a lawyer, just go for it. I don't know. I'm still in the process of thinking this over. This is going to take me some time. But I'll say one thing: If I was on my deathbed right now, I probably would have felt overall happier teaching than being a lawyer. I just have to work out what is actually stopping me, and combat it in some way. There are so many things stopping me, but I don't know what. That's what I'm going to do. The first thing I thought about when asked 'What do you want to do before you die?' was my future profession. But, it doesn't have to come down to that. It can be about anything: the kind of friends you want to surround yourself with, the way you want to start treating your body, the skills you want to improve. Maybe you want to give a TED talk about something you're really passionate about before you die, or maybe you just want to go fishing with your best friend in Japan. Maybe you want to work on your communication skills, or maybe you want to focus on improving your mental well-being. There's a multitude of things that we, as human beings, simply brush over because we are so caught up in the shackles of a life script. Sit down for a moment, and think. Like, deep it. Why are you doing what you are doing? If you were on your deathbed tomorrow, and someone asked you what you wished you had done or not done during your lifetime, what would you say? Have you done that thing? Why not? What is stopping you? How can you fight that? I'll leave you with that. It's SO SIMPLE, but so mind-boggling - my head is racing. But I'll find the answer, and you will too. Peace. - Aurora
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