I have always thought that there were two kinds of people in this world: those who react to things emotionally, and those who react to things logically. Reacting emotionally is more of a subconscious process: you feel what you feel in response to something and you run with it. Whereas reacting logically is more of a conscious process: you view a situation in terms of fact, evidence and rationality and run with that.
I have always seen myself as someone who reacted to things emotionally. An event would occur that did not go the way I had wanted it to go, and my immediate reaction was always something that involved feeling an emotion more than anything else. Whether it was crying, or sulking for a while, or romanticising someone. It seemed like all I knew was how to react emotionally - this was my default state, it came naturally to me. It wasn't until I was met with some increasingly difficult situations that, especially when considering how I had felt about things in the past, I found I was reacting emotionally to almost everything at an extreme length. I had some conversations with a really close friend of mine, who was used to reacting logically to things, and it had opened my eyes to something I really hadn't even considered.
Is there a right way of dealing with situations in regard to both emotion and logic? Is it right to be mostly logical, rather than mostly emotional (or vice versa)? In my opinion, here's the short answer: the best way of dealing with situations is to strike the perfect balance between emotion and logic. It might seem obvious, but it's not. Let's dig deep into why and how.
As aforementioned, I was always someone who reacted very emotionally to things.
Let me give you a random fictional example: I go on a few dates with a guy, really start to like him, but after our 5th date he backs out and rejects me.
My immediate reaction to this would be emotional: crying and feeling low because I had told myself I'm simply not good enough, and that he has found someone else who is obviously prettier and better than me. Now, of course, this would be deeply rooted perhaps in some of my past experiences, my self esteem and confidence levels and an attachment to some narratives about myself that I've led myself to believe. Me crying and feeling low is an emotional reaction to irrational thoughts. The irrational thoughts is the logical bit. So yes, whilst I do react mostly emotionally, it stems from illogical thinking. In this way, it can be argued that both emotion and logic are intertwined, and I concur.
Now, as someone who would attempt to find a balance between emotion and logic in response to this fictional situation, this is how I would break down my emotions logically:
The situation: Getting rejected after 5 dates with a guy I really liked
The response: Crying and feeling low
The reason for this response: Thinking I got rejected because (a) I'm not good enough for this guy, and (b) he must have found someone else who is more attractive and better than me
Okay, so I've figured these out. What now? Let's view this from a logical standpoint. So, I feel like this guy rejected me because of reasons (a) and (b) above. Let's now ask: is this true?
Is (a) true? That I am not good enough for this guy? Logically, no. It is false. Being 'good enough' is not an operational variable. One cannot measure whether someone is 'good enough' for someone else. What does 'good' mean? At what point does 'good' stop? Why is it that I am placing another human being on a pedestal that seems impossible to attain from my standards? This quite clearly would say something about my own self esteem. It is true that no human being is a better human being than anyone else, since we cannot measure what 'better' looks like - this would be more of a qualitative than quantitative thing.
Someone might reply to to this and say that it is true that we can't measure how someone is better than someone else, but what about things that seem obvious? What if this guy who rejected me is a virtuous person, who is successful, treats people nicely, is confident and self-assured. What if I am someone who isn’t so altruistic, who makes selfish decisions, who lays in bed all day and indulges in simple pleasures. Maybe, from some people's perspective, this man would then be better than me, and hence too good for me. But, what this viewpoint omits is that 'better' will always be subjective, and actually that the perfect recipe for a successful romantic relationship might not require the weighing up of 'good' qualities between the two people. Relationships are multi-layered and complex, so this guy rejecting me solely based on an objective list of 'better' qualities would be null.
Cool, we've concluded that this guy can't have rejected me because I just wasn't good enough for him. Let's look at reason (b): he must have rejected me because he found someone else that is more attractive and just better than me.
After being rejected, let's say I see him at the bar the next day with a girl he seems really into. They're flirting and kissing. She's got pretty blonde hair and an hourglass figure. I don't have these things. I get sad because I assume this guy is getting with her because she is more attractive, or maybe she's funnier than me, or more ambitious than me. Maybe she's not as sensitive as me. No wonder he likes her more then!
Is (b) true? No. Again, logically (b) is false. There is truth in the saying 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' - it's completely subjective. I don't find Jack Grealish hot but many girls my age do. Me seeing a girl with potentially more 'conventionally' attractive features (blonde hair, hourglass figure) and then assuming she is overall better-looking than me does not logically follow. A lot of conventional beauty standards are Westernised. In the Western world, these features might be more favourable from what society has seen in the media or other things. But, in other parts of the world, this is really not the case. We can then say that beauty is context-dependent. It is also something that changes all the time: for example, we have seen a rise in Brazilian Butt Lifts (BBLs) probably due to the popularity of the Kardashians. But it seems beauty standards from the 2000s are making their way back into fashion: a slimmer figure and not-so-prominent body parts. Me seeing this new girl he's flirting with, and what she looks like, then assuming because he picked her over me that I am any less attractive is just false. Sure, he might say he finds her more attractive than me - again, that is subjective! One person's opinion is not a world view. It's not universal, nor is it fact. Everyone has a different type in a partner, and a different view of what they find attractive. That is personal to them, and that is completely fine. What I need to do is ensure that I am in a point in my own journey of self love and confidence where I believe I am beautiful regardless of whether someone else thinks I am. This is a journey that takes time, a lot of trial and error, but is something that is definitely worth it in the long run. That way, no one can touch me. No one can influence me. In some ways, I'd be invincible. One person's beauty does not take away my own.
Okay, so we've now refuted this emotional response to irrational thoughts using logic. Does it stop there? The thing is, before really sitting and thinking about this post and writing it, I genuinely thought this would be it, that a wholly logical response to an emotional situation is always the answer. What I've found is that even just operating completely on the logical extreme is detrimental. Reacting completely emotionally to a situation is bad because it leaves you feeling depressed and dismissive of solutions, but also reacting completely logically to a situation is bad because it leaves you dismissing your emotions. That's the point of this post: you need to find a balance between the two.
Here is a key thing to remember: we feel emotions for a reason. We feel emotions because we are biologically wired to feel them to help us with survival. Let's say we're back in our primitive days, and my tribe has chosen to leave me behind while they go hunting for food. I am going to feel rejected and hurt. My brain is making me feel rejected and hurt because I need to be with my tribe, as us working as a collective means we have a higher chance of finding food than if I tried finding it on my own. I am biologically wired to feel hurt from my tribe leaving me because it is within my interest to feel hurt, otherwise I wouldn't know that hunting with my tribe as a collective means I am more likely to survive. I feel pain when I touch a hot plate because it saves me from burning myself. It seems so simple when you think of it this way!
So, you could say I feel hurt from this guy rejecting me after 5 dates because it means I thought I was one step closer to finding a mate and reproducing with him to create offspring. This is an evolutionary explanation.
Of course, we're not in our primitive days anymore. I can just as well survive and find food on my own without needing a whole social group to help me. This is really important! Recognising why you might feel hurt in the first place is a step forward to lessening that hurt. We feel emotions because it is within our biology to do so, cool. Recognising that the root of some of these emotions does not quite fit in many contexts today means you can somewhat hack your brain and take control. So, this guy rejecting me means I wont reproduce with him. It's not that deep in today's context because I can find someone else to reproduce with. Our aim for a lot of today's relationships isn't to find a mate and reproduce, especially as a young person. Some of us want to just have fun and experiment with dating. See!
If I were to completely disregard my emotional reactions to situations, it would just mean I am deeply suppressing them. That is unhealthy. If I were to react to this guy rejecting me after 5 dates with 'Okay, thanks, it was nice meeting you' and that was it, I would be burying my initial sadness from this rejection. The key to striking a balance between emotion and logic is to let yourself feel that initial emotional reaction, but only for a bit. Then, you break down your emotional reaction logically, so that you don't feel hurt in the long-run.
Let's quickly put this in the context of my fictional example:
My phone pings. It’s a text from him:
"Hey, Aurora. I've had a great time getting to know you and I've really enjoyed our past few dates. But I feel like we're not right for each other, so I'm not sure we should continue"
So, I've read this text. My heart sinks, of course, because I really like him. I feel sad and hurt. Shit, I'm clearly not good enough for him. He ticked so many of my boxes in so many ways. I then see him at the bar the next day being really tactile with a pretty girl with blonde hair and an hourglass figure. He kisses her. Fuck. lol. She's so much prettier than me. I bet she makes him laugh more than I did, too. She probably earns more than me. No wonder he likes her. I'm inadequate. I'm going to go home and cry in bed for a bit. I'm going to allow myself to feel sad because I know suppressing emotions is unhealthy. So that's what I do.
The next day, I wake up. I feel slightly better after sleeping on it. Okay, now is the time I use logic and break it down. I soon realise that my thoughts are irrational just by asking myself: is this true? Is it true that he's too good for me? Is it true that she's more attractive than me? With logic I realise it is not true. It might help me to write it down in my diary, using some sort of flowchart along the lines of: this is how I feel, this is why I feel this way, and this is why the reasons for feeling this way are irrational. I read back over it and realise through using evidence that it would be detrimental for me to feel sad about it in the long run. I close my diary, go downstairs to make a cup of tea and get on with my day.
So, essentially what I've done in this hypothetical situation is let myself feel this initial emotional reaction of sadness and hurt, but I don't let this last very long. I take a proactive stance and then actively spell out why it is wrong to feel this way in the long-run, and that there could be solutions other than constantly feeling hurt and sad. The best thing about this model is that it can apply to a variety of situations, I just used being rejected as an example because people get rejected all the time, and I feel as though it definitely should not be something taken to heart. It's not personal at all! I hope to write a blog post in the near future about how nothing in life is ever personal. :)
Let me use another example besides rejection. I’ll use a real-life one this time. Yesterday, I was meant to fly to Kosovo. My flight got cancelled quite last minute (literally as I was making my way to the train station for the airport), so I quickly booked the next flight to Kosovo, which was about an hour later. I’m chilling in the airport, having some breakfast in Spoons. I’m content. An hour before take-off, this flight then gets cancelled. So I travelled all the way to Gatwick airport just for my second flight to be cancelled after my first flight was cancelled. My immediate reaction was anger. I spent all this money on Ubers coming to the airport. I’m up at 5am to catch this flight to then be told it was cancelled just before I was making my way to the gate. I. Was. Pissed. I let myself feel pissed for a bit. Then, as the wise Stoics tell us, I tell myself that this wasn’t in my control, so I should let it go. If I can’t control something, why be pissed about it? This is a life motto I live by: don’t be affected by things that are not in your control.
I saw as other passengers on my cancelled flight were shouting at the airline crew, quite literally belittling them and taking out all their anger on people who did not even cancel the flight. I got over my anger internally, then figured out logical solutions. I could either rebook the flight or get a refund. I could be reimbursed for the money I spent on Ubers to the airport. My flights being cancelled had nothing to do with me, so I’m going to feel pissed for a bit because it was an inconvenience, but then I was just going to go home and request a refund. Sure, a lot of my time was wasted. But again, shit happens. There was no point getting really worked up about it, and I felt kind of proud of myself for overcoming my anger internally as I watched passengers shout at the poor airline crew who had nothing to do with the cancellation. It did take some time, but now I’m home in London when I could’ve been in Kosovo right now, and I don’t even feel pissed about it! It also means I’m probably going to go somewhere else next week other than Kosovo, which is exciting and probably just a better outcome. Wow. Life hack.
It would be naïve for me to sit here and assume that it is this easy. It's not. I know it's not as easy as I've just made it out to be because I'm still personally in the process of mastering it. It will be something that comes with a lot of time and practice. It might not always be a solution either. Yet, what helps me support this model is realising that cognitive behavioural therapy ('CBT' - the sort of therapy you get when you visit a counsellor) uses a very similar model to this. Depression involves irrational thoughts about the self, the world and the future. CBT aims to challenge these irrational thoughts using logic. For example, a depressed person might say to their therapist that they feel like no one likes them, and a therapist might respond by giving this person homework to make a note of every time someone says something nice about them, or compliments their character. These notes would then be used as hard evidence to refute that no one likes them. This helps support my model because it gives me comfort knowing that there is actually a real-life application to this!
I believe that, with time and practice, it's possible to train your brain into handling difficult situations in a slightly better way by thinking in an emotion-logic mindset. I feel a certain way about situation X. Cool. I will let myself feel this way, but I'm not going to let it last long. It won't last long now because I realise it's irrational to think this way. The hardest thing about this is that you actually have to be proactive. You can't sit around and expect it to come. Nothing in life comes easy. Feeling emotions is subconscious, but you can use the conscious to limit that feeling. It's difficult, but it's worth it.
Good luck!
Lots of love,
Aurora
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